(This is the first installment in my Flashback series I’ve been wanting to work on. Some will be harder to write than others, but all are true accounts of parts of my life that I hope allow you to learn more about me, my past, and the struggles I’ve dealt with regarding my weight–and how that controlled my life. My journey didn’t start on 9/1/09 when my blog did…it’s been a long, winding road.)
August 25, 1993
Today is my first day at my new school and I can’t believe how good looking all the other kids in my class are. I feel so out of place. It’s my first day in the 8th grade and things sure are different here. I mean EVERYTHING is different. In my old school, I was popular. I knew everyone and they knew me. They accepted me. Here, I’m nothing. Of course, things were different at my old school. It was about one fourth the size of this new one. Everyone knew each other for the most part. This place is huge. Everyone seems so tan, so well built, so blonde. So…perfect. I thought people my age were supposed to be awkward? Sure, there are a good number of kids with braces, like me, but I feel like I’ve walked into a family reunion–someone else’s family. Back home, I was a big deal. Here, I’m just big.
August 27, 1993
Day 3 at the new school. After a few days of scoping the place out, I’m still not digging it. I’m by far the biggest kid in my class, perhaps the whole school. It’s hard to say that for sure since I haven’t seen every kid yet, but based on the looks I get while walking down the hall, I’m quite the sight. I haven’t weighed in a while, but I know I’m big. Real big. I don’t need a scale to tell me that. The eyes of my classmates tell the whole story.
September 15, 1993
Sorry I haven’t written in my journal much lately. I’ve been very depressed. My new school sucks so bad. The teachers and classes are great, a big improvement over my old one, but I have no friends and the other kids here are really mean. Last week, some people in the lunchroom were oinking at me, like a pig. Just writing that sounds so hard to believe. I asked them if they were in 3rd grade, but that just made them laugh harder so I just walked away. I’m so tired of seeing people laugh and point, or just stare at me. After the incident in the cafeteria, I started eating my lunch in a quiet area outside, alone. I usually have a coke and a Snickers bar, so it’s just as easy to eat it there. And much more quiet. None of these idiots to put up with. Today I had two Snickers bars…it was the highlight of a crappy day.
September 18, 1993
I hate it here. Today, a girl in class kept reaching over and pinching me in my side. I heard her calling it my “jelly rolls” to her friend. That’s original. They laughed the entire class, and I know some people sitting around us could hear them. I told her to stop, but she didn’t. Instead, she started poking me trying to show her friend how I would jiggle. I kept waiting for the teacher to make her stop, but I guess he didn’t see. I don’t know what to do. Fight? A girl? But really, fight anyone? I’ve never been in a fight before-with anyone. Back home, there was never a need to fight. I made everyone laugh. I got along with everyone. Here it seems like everyone laughs at me, not with me. I know my parents moved here to get me a better education, but I feel like they’ve ruined my life.
September 19, 1993
I tried to sit in a different seat today, away from the poking girl, but it didn’t work out. This jock told me I was in his spot. So I was back to the seat I hate so much. There wasn’t any poking today, but I could hear them giggling during most of the class. Maybe I’m being paranoid. They can’t still find the fact that I’m overweight THAT funny. Last night, I wrote my mom a long letter asking if I could go back home and stay with my aunt. I could go back to my old school and old friends. I know it’s a long shot, but I’m so miserable here. Yesterday on the bus ride home, some of the guys from the high school were hassling me and one called me a “fatass.” The funny thing was, he wasn’t that skinny himself. I should have said that, but instead I just stared out the window. Writing in my journal is easier than standing up to them, and that makes me feel even worse because deep down, I know I should stand up to them. I talked with my cousin on the phone last night and he said as long as I let them bully me, they would. I know he’s right, but I don’t know if I can do anything about it. I was thinking about going on a diet this morning, but after the day I had when I got home I just ate a lot of junk food. It’s just not worth the effort.
September 30, 1993
Things are still bad here, if not worse. I still haven’t made any friends. A few people will say hello or ask about homework, but no conversation. How can someone as big as I am feel so invisible? I was eating my lunch outside the other day (coke and a candy bar) and some guys were hassling me about eating that at my size. I think I’ll just eat my lunch somewhere private. I could try the bathroom, but that just seems gross. If nothing else I’ll just wait till I get home and eat it with my afternoon ice cream. My mom and I had a long talk last week. She gave me a long speech about how moving here was for the best. She said my education was the most important thing. I know they mean well, but I’ve never been so unhappy. Going to school, riding the bus, facing these people is the worst thing I’ve been through. I’ve never felt so alone. I know that’s why I’m eating more and more, but that’s the only time I’m happy–at night when I’m eating and watching my TV shows. I talk to my Momo back home every night. I miss her so much. She’s been like my best friend because when I was really young, it seemed like I was always staying at her house. Every memory I have is at her house, watching TV and enjoying some good cooking. She’s always been a great listener, too. I love you, Momo.
October 25, 1993
The last month has been awful. The teasing on the bus is at an all time high. The guys from high school are worse than the ones in our building at middle school. A lot of kids in my class have their parents to take them to and from school, but with my parents working an hour away I don’t have that luxury. All I keep thinking about is how next year I will be in the high school building with these idiots. Are all the guys there like these assholes on my bus?
It seems lately all I think about is dying. It sounds crazy, but I’d rather die than live the life I’m in right now with all the teasing and mean people. I’ve thought about suicide, but I’m too chicken to actually do it. My dad has a gun, and it’s not locked up…but still, I could never actually do that. I just hope things get better soon because I don’t know how much more of this I can take…
24 comments
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March 10, 2010 at 4:55 am
Chad
Craig,
I’m not sure what to say – that’s incredibly, incredibly powerful. You weren’t the only kid to put up with some version of bullying about his/her weight around that age. Childhood obesity is a problem, for sure, but so is bullying like this, whether it’s of the fat kid, the shy kid, the klutzy kid, etc. Anyhow, I’m so glad you decided to share these stories. I know these stories are personal and probably very difficult to share, but you could really help someone out there younger than us who’s going through this right now. Great job, man. Seriously.
-Chad
March 10, 2010 at 12:52 pm
South Beach Steve
Wow Craig. What a good reminder of how cruel people can be.
March 10, 2010 at 2:02 pm
Jess
Craig, this is some powerful stuff. I don’t really know how to comment. I’m glad you made it through that, and I can’t even begin to imagine being in your shoes at that time, but you did it. And you’re taking control of your life now. I’m proud of you!
March 10, 2010 at 2:31 pm
erintakescontrol
Craig, all I can say is that this is really powerful material. Your words move me, and I find myself reflecting on my own experience from 7-12th grades. There are alot of similarities here, too. I didn’t have to move to a new town for a new school, but I went from public grade school to Catholic middle/high school. All of my friends continued onto public middle/high school, so I went to my new school and kept to myself because I immediately sucked my arms and legs into my body like a turtle. That’s how I felt, at least. Going from public to Catholic school was a really hard adjustment for me, so I can definitely relate to the feelings of being an outsider and the emotional eating you detail so intricately. I’ve pushed these memories aside, but I know that I need to deal with these skeletons in my closet in order to truly get healthy and stay that way. Thank you for sharing this, man! You are strong! 🙂
March 10, 2010 at 2:59 pm
craigversion2
Thank you all for your comments…it was hard to remember this stuff. I have more posts in the works and I think they will be more interesting than this middle school stuff. I won’t go on too long tho, I promise. 🙂
I’m so glad yall enjoyed the posts. I hope to have another one up today.
March 10, 2010 at 3:24 pm
beej
Wow. Yeah, powerful. Sad. It brought back so many memories. I wasn’t in the popular crowd, but I did have a lot of friends–and a lot of friends who were in the popular crowd, but since I was twice the size of everyone else, I still got teased–not this bad, for sure. But bullys can be SO BAD. 😦
Thanks for posting this!
March 10, 2010 at 3:28 pm
Brandon
Wow, thanks for sharing all that Craig. I can understand why you were hesitant to write these posts, but I’m glad you did.
March 10, 2010 at 4:02 pm
rissamama3
Craig, I want to say thank you for being so brave to put something this private out there. And to say that you should be so proud of who you are because when you overcome adversity of any sort it makes you stronger… again thank you. I didn’t have a weight problem until my late teens when I had some huge life changing experiences and my way of getting through it was eating or some other bad habbits and beating my self up. I have learned that none of that helps and if I want to be a healthy person inside and out I need to just deal with the stuff and not bury it.
March 10, 2010 at 4:35 pm
Jeremy Logsdon
Wow. Pretty powerful stuff. Good job for being brave enough to post this. I was hoping the whole time I read it that this was fiction; no one should have to go through that.
March 10, 2010 at 5:22 pm
josie
Wow. Sad. Powerful. Honest.
((Craig))
I can totally relate to what you’ve written here, as I’m sure many people can. I am SO glad you decided to post this and I know that it won’t be for naught. These memories get etched into our beings from a very early age and it’s something that can’t just be erased. It’s unfortunate that you had to endure all of this, but hopefully now that you’re coming out on the other side, your story can help inspire others who are going through the same thing.
Thank you so much for sharing this part of you, I look forward to learning more about you in the coming weeks.
March 10, 2010 at 6:35 pm
craigversion2
Thank you all so much. You’re makin’ me feel all loved and stuff =)
March 10, 2010 at 5:35 pm
Progress Pictures :35 and Shrinking
[…] I get to today’s post, if you haven’t read Craig’s latest blog yet, you should. Really, it’s refreshingly honest and touching. I know I can relate and I’m […]
March 10, 2010 at 6:35 pm
Seth@1010in2010
Very Honest. As I was not really picked on for my weight — I was always very conscious of it. I can’t relate but can imagine how crappy that could have been. cool post. it’s good to be reflective.
March 10, 2010 at 8:02 pm
Karyn
Wow, Craig. I just really don’t know what to say other than I am so sorry you had to go through that.
People can be so mean and cruel to each other.
March 10, 2010 at 10:05 pm
Carla
Dear Craig, thank you for sharing this with us. I was thin and therefore wasn’t teased about my weight growing up, but I was put in an all french school when I didn’t even speak a word of french, and I went through some similar experiences as you. Can’t wait to read more, I think it’s really important for you to share your story.
March 10, 2010 at 10:57 pm
Kat
Aw Craig. Very brave entry. I think these memories form stuff deep within ourselves. By sharing them I think we can heal our own old pains and help others too. I have been thinking about my old painful memories and how they still impact me. Your post helped me today. Thank you.
March 10, 2010 at 11:57 pm
Frank Dobner
Kids are rough on each other. The thing is, that everyone is really doing the best the can with what they’ve got and where they are at. Some people handle issues externally and some handle them internally. The external ones are the ones that appear to be making life hell for other people, but in fact, they have no other way of dealing with their issues too. I am certain that they are not proud of themselves for doing such things.
March 11, 2010 at 12:50 am
Kimberley
Thanks for sharing these painful memories. Hopefully it helps to get them out there.
March 11, 2010 at 1:02 am
Lynne Garcia
Wow Craig, I admire you for your vulnerability. Your writing is so deep and honest. Thank you for sharing it. I’m so sorry for the pain you had to endure. I know a lot of people can relate. I know that I sure can. I relate to being the biggest kid in school. I was that for many years too…. it royally sucked, and that’s putting it mildly.
March 11, 2010 at 6:47 am
Merry Mary
You were right. I relate. In fact I feel like I’m back in 7th grade when I transferred schools and went from being a happy well liked girl to the one who had no friends and was constantly picked on (by my brothers, but just as brutal if not more than having peers do it). It’s funny, because up until that point I was just overweight. But the constant “you’re fat” comments (and more) is what led me straight into obesity. I wonder how many people would have been fine if not for teasing or some form of abuse. After a while fat becomes protection, even though it’s the reason you are targeted, right? Self fulfilling prophecy almost. But anyway, I know a lot of people can relate to everything you wrote. God, I totally relate to the part about only being happy eating and watching tv. I wish we could have been friends in middle school! I could have used a good funny friend. 🙂
March 11, 2010 at 12:59 pm
Rob Perry
I’m a newbie to your blog. Can’t recall which one of your followers I got this from. As I recall I think it was Josie. Your blog has been popping up many places here.
What great honestly and vulnerability you have shared here. Not to may guys can really express themselves as you have and I am so glad of your openness. I think many of us have experienced what you have gone through to some degree. Growing up overweight/obese is the toughest thing we could grow through because others can be so mean and abusive.
You really have come a lon ways and I am sure your progress will continue as well.
I’ll be back to continue reading and following you. Keep up the great work, man!
March 11, 2010 at 4:37 pm
AndrewENZ
Powerful stuff man. I can identify with a lot of that.
March 21, 2010 at 5:48 am
rebelbrad
That was a great story!! I hate that had to happen to you… kids can be such asses and a few of them, unfortunately, don’t ever grow out of it. 😦
March 26, 2010 at 1:09 am
Shannon
Those just rip my heart out 😦 so sad! I just have never figured out why kids can be so mean. Do you wonder today if they knew what it did to you if they would regret it? Or maybe they just grew up into adult A-holes that happens too.
Craig these journal entries are a powerful reminder to listen to our children when they are having a hard time because when you are that age it seems hopeless as it did for you.
So glad you made it through and did not act on your feelings at the time, whew.
Just powerful.