Are you tired of being healthy? Are you tired of putting on your jeans or khakis without a struggle and then being able to breathe in them? Has your belt gotten way too loose? Has going into a store and being able to buy clothes off the rack without even trying them on become somewhat of a bore? Do you find yourself no longer challenged by that walk from the store to the parking lot, missing that once desperate attempt it took to breathe after a simple short walk? Do you miss that flab?  Are you tired of eating lettuce? Aren’t you tired of running, really?

Do I have the deal for you! And best of all…my advice is all FREE!!! FREE FREE FREE!!

Follow my tips and you’ll be back to your sedentary lifestyle in no time. Couch to 5K? How about NO WAY, 5K??!! In fact, put those running shoes up…there’s no exercise needed here. No shoes, just lay back on the couch with that remote….it’s oh so comfy. Do you miss your Kit Kats, Hershey’s, and Little Debbies? Well guess what: they’re all back if you come with me. Back and waiting to add to YOUR back. Forget lettuce and celery. Pass the cheese sticks and ranch dressing. And don’t worry about making a list to plan all those meals out. BORING!!!! Just call the pizza delivery guy. He’ll be there in 30 minutes (or less!) with a piping hot delicious feast ready to sink your teeth into…and the best part is the only effort it will take is opening the box…and maybe answering the door if you live alone. Stop parking far away from the store entrances. That’s for the healthy people. In fact, steal the handicap spot if you can find one. They don’t need it!!  All that extra walking will do is burn a few extra calories–and that’s NOT the goal here! REST!!

Yes, follow my plan and you’ll have your old life back. It’s quite simple, really.

I guarantee your clothes will be tighter, or not fit at all. I guarantee that scale will climb, faster than you could ever imagine and faster than Miley Cyrus could ever sing about it. I guarantee you’ll feel sluggish, with many unplanned naps. And I guarantee that pesky energetic feeling you get after a good workout will go away forever. I guarantee your life will end faster and that you’ll start to avoid mirrors. But really: mirrors? Who needs them? Just look at old pictures.

Of course, this post was all meant to be a tongue in cheek look at how badly I’ve fallen off the wagon in the last few months. As in, I WAS KIDDING.  I do not advocate any of the things I just wrote about. Well, except maybe the ranch dressing (if you can find a lighter version–that stuff is great!) But that’s how my life started to change. I got lazy and I ate bad. Really bad. (But I didn’t steal any handicap parking spaces…)

Honestly yall, I am back!! For real. It’s been a long, long, LONG eventful summer…wild times, crazy times, stressful times, but everything has calmed down (for the most part) and here I stand, a survivor (I think.) Here’s a small recap for the dozens, if that many, fans I have on here:

–I moved. I have a GREAT new apartment with working air conditioning!! I feel like George and Weezie I moved on up so high, and I’m not sure but I *think* this is the East side? Anyway, there’s a pool (with a fountain in it!) , an exercise room (not that I’ve used it…) And it’s GATED! I feel so fetch!

–I got a new job. Long time readers will remember the woes of the hospital I was working at closing, leaving me and the Sookie monster homeless and hungry. The hospital didn’t close, but it was taken over by an evil equivalent of the Monopoly guy, and he cut half the jobs and all the salaries–BIG TIME. Luckily, I was able to get onto a lifeboat to our main hospital about 45 minutes away, and I have to admit, I really, really like my new job. It’s in accounts payable and I like the atmosphere, the people, everything. Of course, now that I’ve publicly said this, something horrible will happen, but I just wanted to say that I don’t dread going to work anymore. And that’s a great feeling. Knock on wood.  Can I just say how fun it is to pay bills when it’s not your money you’re using to pay them with? Awesome.

–Summer school. This is what almost killed me. I was taking two summer courses online at the same time. HYYOOOOGE epic mistake, combining that with all the other changes. I about killed all my friends, family, Sookie, and myself. I was sooo moody. Every night (and lunch break) was spent studying or doing projects. And I already hate all things related to school, but this was too much. I somehow survived, (with lots of junk food!) and actually ended up with A’s in both classes. If that’s not a miracle, I dunno what is.

So that was my shaken snow globe of a summer. New job, new apt, new town, and lots of school work. Unfortunately, that meant no exercise and lots of take out. LOTS of stress eating. Lots of alcohol on the weekends after school work and that all led to lots of extra pounds. Lots of stuff I didn’t need to be doing, but it is done and now it must be Undone! I started to get depressed because I FELT the weight coming back on. My pants were getting tighter. My cute button shirts were barely buttoning. Then I got out the “fat pants”…then THEY got tight. And that’s where I am right now, in the tight-fat pants and the cute shirts won’t fully button again. Sigh!

Sunday night, I got on the Wii for the first time in 115 days (it keeps track of all that stuff because it’s pretty rude) and was saddened to see my character on there pudge out again. My BMI radar scale shot up like a firecracker. I was *this* close to the obese range yet again, but I was STUNNED to see I was still just REALLY overweight. I had to laugh, because if it had been one eighth of a centimeter higher, one whisker away, it’d been obese, but it wasn’t. Yay?

Since I’m all BACK (!!!) and stuff, I also need to acknowledge the weight issue. Just how bad did I do? I FULLY expected to be back at my old weight when I started this blog, but was shocked to see I had “only” gained about 12 pounds. My weight I’m starting at now on the reboot is 210.1. Oh I miss you onederland. But I will see you again very soon!

The reason I thought I had gained so much back is that my clothes are all SO tight. That’s why I’m so surprised. I think I might have “only” gained 12, but I gained more mass (and ass!) I’m sure of it. That’s possible right? Oh well, just more that has to come off, too.

So what’s the plan? Going back to what worked before: counting calories, planning meals, less alcohol and snacks, and lots of exercise. It’s gonna take me a while to be able to jog again, but that’s the goal. The sad part is I had just bought those new running shoes before I fell off the wagon (and bounced, then got run over by the wagon behind it!) I used to weigh in on Thursdays, and I’m hoping to do something like that again. I might weigh in this Thursday, but it shouldn’t be a big difference since I just weighed Sunday night to check out the damage.  *Note, it took me two days to post this blog, so I’ll probably just weigh in NEXT Thursday for a status update/results show.*

We’re also doing a Biggest Loser game at work, so that will help keep me motivated as well. I’m on the Black team and hoping for domination!  I do have a bit of sad news even though I’m trying to stay pumped. About two weeks ago I did something bad to mess up my back big time. I had to miss a day or two of work because I couldn’t even stand up straight to walk. I even went to the (gasp) doctor. It was better for a while, but starting this past Saturday night or so I’ve started having issues again. I will be okay, but it’s a bummer because I really and truly planned on hitting the treadmill again this week but so far I can’t get through the pain to do any walking. That’s not me making excuses, because lawd knows I’d be honest if I just didn’t feel like exercising. I don’t like it and I am honest about that–but I know it’s necessary and fully planned on doing it. I started to wait another week to make my comeback, but damnit, I’m not. So while I’m hurtin, I’m focusing on chugging water and doing better on the diet. If I don’t start now, I am afraid of how much worse the damage will go. So let’s do this. Again.  (One more note—this isn’t gonna be “My Life, Take Nine”…because even though I’m sort of starting over again, I never really stopped fully. I was always thinking of the blog, trying to make some good decisions in the weeks I was making mostly awful ones, wondering about the weight, etc. The mindset was still there, just buried under candy, soda, and English Lit notes.)

FINALLY–I haven’t forgotten about ANY of you. While I was “gone” I still tried to read your posts and comment when I could. There’s a bunch of you that I follow not only through blogs, but on Facebook as well, and I’ve been cheering you on. I hope you will let me back into your lives and rejoin the battle of the bulge with you again. Some of you have been doing amazing things on your running plans (cough, Josie and Lynette)…and some of you have been doing damn half marathons (BRANDON!!!) and I’m SO proud of yall!  Note: If you did a great accomplishment and I didn’t mention it, I might not have read about it. I did have like 200 posts to read one day. I’d love to hear about it though, EMAIL ME!! I need motivational success posts to read!)

It feels good to be back. Sorry this post is so long, but I had a lot to get off my chest. Now I need to get it off my ass. Can I get a BOOYAH?????????????

Peace out, homies.